The feeling was unbearable. I felt drained from life. There was this sensation of nothing. My mind was blank and this was not something that normal would happen. I am vibrant and usually in a positive mood. Time was not my friend and it was racing and moving at a snail’s pace all at the same time, if that is even possible. What was happening to me? I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself. It was me but it wasn’t. So many confusing and non-descript terms were flowing in that brain of mine.
I had been chugging along as normal and then things started to happen and I could not even see them occurring. I started to feel sick, more like, hey I am getting the flu. It was starting to wear me down and my body was in the shutdown mode. It did not want to do life, but I was breathing and continuing on. My anger level was increasing and my patience was decreasing. Things were starting to bother me and this was not me.
What was occurring? I did not know and I was not having it anymore. I wanted it to quit but weeks have passed and it still continues. I feel rundown more and more each day. My life has changed from colorful to brown. A dark deep brown and it was not even something to look at to decipher what color is that.
Work was continuing and then I realized, there was a mask on my face. The mask shielded my feelings from everyone. Not only work but to some extent my home life and friends were picking up on it but not sure what it was. I had taken on more projects and was continuing to be productive but the flare was missing. The energetic, punctual, and positive attitude was gone and replaced by this and it was starting to show. I tried to hide it even more or was I even hiding it? I am not sure, as I was not so sure what was actually going on.
At some point, I realized it when I was looking in the mirror that there was something there. It was unseen to others or maybe it wasn’t, but I wore a cloak. The cloak was covering me and causing me these problems and I wanted to remove it but I couldn’t. It was wrapped so tight around me that it was strangling the life right out of me. I tried to remove it upon numerous occasions but was only able to loosen the grip. It was of the brown color and it had a hold of me and was not going to let go.
I decided it was time to change and I wanted the change to end now. It had held onto me for too long and it was time to finish this and move on. I looked in the mirror and I exclaimed, “Remove yourself!” The cloak did not hear me as I was feeling that drain even more. It was seemingly useless and now it seems to grasp even tighter.
Don’t worry though, I have a better handle of the cloak as I know what its true purpose is. It is teaching me that things as well as they can be, also can be this way. So I will shed my cloak someday but not seemingly right now as I am learning from it. So when I do shed my cloak, I will have been through the journey. I have named my cloak Depression and I will live through it.
New word I developed.
The door read “Therapy Group”.
Inside in a circle of chairs were different types of people. The first person stood up and said, “My name is Jim and I am a construction worker and I suffer from loss of Individua-Sexuality”. The group said “Hello Jim!” He went on to say, “It has been 2 years since I have been able to cat call at a pretty woman going by the construction site. I have no feeling of being who I really am, and that is a construction worker who likes to whistle at pretty dames”.
Next this elder woman stood up and said, “Uh hello, my name is Agnes and I am a teacher and I suffer from loss of Individua-Sexuality”. The group said, “Hello Agnes!”. There was bewilderment in the crowd of how she was going to explain this one. She sheepishly said, “In my part time I write BDSM erotica and I cannot let anyone know what I do”. She went on, “I write it dirty and love a good spanking but I can’t tell anyone and that is why I have a loss of Individua-Sexuality”.
Loss of Individua-Sexuality is when you cannot be who you want to be because it is either not PC or fear of family or friends shunning you.
You crossed my mind today, as you do often. I am moving on to something new , but that experience with you my first was a learning experience. The memory crosses every so often and I cant imagine not have had the experience as you taught me so much. I remember it like it occurred yesterday. You had crossed into my life and were in my thoughts. I could not do anything, as there were other commitments that kept me away from you. When the time came and we could sit down together it was magical. Now I had others in my life prior but I had not experienced them the way I did with you. You were special. You were a new beginning and I cherish that with you. I remember it was in the evening and we sat down and I was excited. I may have been too excited at the time, but luckily, I wanted to do it right. I took my time and started slowly. You were there breathing softly to me. I knew you before we did this and it was like nothing else. The pace was soft and slow and it was incredible. My senses heightened and I grew with anticipation through it. You were not easy though, you made me work for it. You must have known that I needed it not to come easy, but to work for the experience. I was diligent and enjoyed every stroke. At times my heart beat faster, my breath quickened and I was in a euphoria that is still so hard to explain. We were there in the mix of it all and nothing else in the world would stop us. I know at one point I thought was this wrong. Was I making a mistake with doing this, but you continued to press my thoughts and urged me to continue. The strokes started to build the anticipation grew and then, like that I finished. I was exuberant and so relieved. I had performed well and I knew that you were satisfied. I wondered at that time if others would enjoy you as much as I did. I knew you were not mine and that I would have to share you with others. I would hope that they would experience you and enjoy you as much as I did. Time would only tell and it would be there that your beauty and life would flourish. Some could not accept you for what you are but that is their loss. Even though I have moved on and there have been many after you, there have been none as great as you. The experience that you taught me has made me a better person and to that I will always have a special place for you. So with this I must thank you, my first published work Sade. You are and will always be in my heart and my thoughts. X
Hello All and I hope you are having a great day. I hope you enjoy this page. X